The Many Adventures of Legolas the Elf
by Kilconey
Summary: In a bizarre version of Winnie the Pooh, Legolas goes on several adventures, none of which are normal. He encounters the narrator and suffers from intense insanity!
1. In Which Legolas Sets Off

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~ The Many Adventures of Legolas the Elf ~

It was time. The end was drawing near and Legolas felt strange. He was being drawn to a tree, which looked strangely familiar to him. But as he went closer, he saw it. It was here. It was a _new_ thing. The tree was _moving_. Legolas backed off, unsure. '**If the tree _was_ moving,' **Legolas thought, '**then where am I? Surely this wasn't Mirkwood.'** Legolas started to panic, which was highly unusual, considering that Elves don't panic. Then, his Elvish instincts told him that he could be near the Forest of Fangorn. '**Yes, that was it. I am in the Forest of Fangorn and the trees are _just_ Ents. That's all, just Ents.**'

But he was wrong. It wasn't the Forest of Fangorn. Legolas was _lost_. **"I know I'm lost. Wait ... who are you?"**Legolas said.

I don't matter to you. 

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"Yes you do ... I am lost in some forest ... kindly tell me where I _am!_"

You really want to know? 

Now completely confused, Legolas withdrew his bow and notched an arrow to his bow. **"I am very confused and if you don't tell me who you are, then you will die a painful death."** Legolas was still confused by the mysterious actions of whom else but the author?

_I_ am the author. 

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"Who?" If he could get any more confused, he would be.

_I _am the Black Rider of Gondor. But ... if you prefer a shorter name, I am _Brog._ Is that understood? 

Poor Legolas, he had undergone severe stress. **"I have not undergone severe stress. Now, why are you following me and _why_ is everything I say in bold?"**

Tsk, tsk. You don't understand. You are the main character and will be followed by me because I am the authoress who is writing a story about this particular day. Understand? 

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"Perfectly understandable. But I do not wish to be recognized, so please do not put my words in _bold_. I want to be _normal_. And STOP putting certain words in _italic!_"

Although he had put the arrow back in his always full quiver, his bow was stuck in a tree having put it there before undergoing physical insanity.

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"I AM NOT INSANE! And _stop_ with the _bold_ and _italic_!" He really was undergoing insanity.

Want to come up with a reasonable agreement? 

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"Stop with the bold and italic, and I will continue along with whatever you are documenting."

Fine. (_sighs_) 

"That's better. Now one more thing. Why are you actions in parentheses and mine are written out?" Someday Legolas really would undergo stress and insanity. "And I am _not_ stressed out and insane!"

First of all, you are the main character. It is my duty to put your actions in that way. And believe me, if you keep talking like this in _my_ story, you will undergo severe stress and insanity. 

"Can we continue on with the story? I really want to get beyond conversation." Legolas said, pacing himself before leaping on to a random branch of a random tree next to the moving tree.

Deal. 

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It wasn't the Forest of Fangorn. Legolas was _lost_. He tried to scan the sky for some reasonable place to visit, but that _moving_ tree attacked him. It was The End. **The End of Looking For Life From a Tree.**

Legolas fell. But he didn't reach the ground. It was odd. He found himself dangling from his bow which was stuck in The _Moving_ Tree. 

'How odd.' Legolas thought as he lightly jumped to the ground using footwork that only Elves could behold. He stood in front of the _Moving_ Tree and looked at it in a way that is a stupid way to be looking at a tree. However, it was not a stupid way to be looking at a tree because it was the **_Way of the Elves._**

Suddenly, Legolas found himself inside a tree. 'Must be in the _Moving_ Tree.' Legolas thought as he felt the edges of the inside of the tree. A small voice came bounding from outside the tree. 

"Black Rider? How can a voice _bound_ from outside a tree?" Legolas asked the Author a _very_ stupid question.

Because I wanted the voice to come bounding from outside the tree. DO NOT question my writing abilities. 

Anyway ... Legolas waited until the voice came closer to the tree. Then, he very foolishly _yelled_. He foolishly _yelled _(**Note the italics**): "O you who is out there! I am in dire peril and in need of assistance! Come aid me from the 

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Moving Tree!"

Legolas paused.

No noise came.

Legolas foolishly yelled again.

No noise came.

Legolas paused.

No noise came.

Legolas _sat_ down in the _Moving_ Tree.

No noise came.

Legolas paused.

No noise came.

Legolas counted his fingers.

No noise came.

Legolas ran in a circle.

No noise came.

Legolas foolishly yelled again.

No noise came.

Legolas fell asleep.

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A noise came. "Don't panic."

Legolas woke up and again foolishly yelled.

The _voice_ spoke. "Do you have a towel?"

Legolas was confused. "No."

"Then you will need one." The voice spoke and suddenly a jackhammer started, creating a noise that could make an _Elf_ deaf for eternity, though Legolas was inside the tree and the tree was insulated.

A door was made.

Expectantly, Legolas waited for the door to open so he could see his rescuer.

In agonizing slowness, the door was opened.

It revealed...

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Nothing...

... _except..._

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A Dark Shape.


	2. In Which Legolas Finds

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Chapter 2:

In Which Legolas is Rescued

All hope was lost for Legolas. He stared at the dark shape and squinted in the darkness for it was too dark to see, even for an Elf. Suddenly, the dark shape spoke. "Ssssqqquueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Legolas recognized the voice. It was a dangerous voice for an Elf (particularly Legolas) to hear. It was scarier than an orc. It was …

A Fangirl.

Legolas panicked. He didn't know where to go since the Fangirl was blocking the door to the tree. Suddenly, he saw it; an escape hatch in the ground. Jumping on the escape hatch, Legolas fell through it. He fell a long way.

And he kept falling, 

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling,

and falling …

until he emerged on to the ground. But there it was. The Fangirl was waiting for him. 

"Ssssqqquueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Legolas panicked again. He screamed and ran away. But, the Fangirl was fast. She was right behind Legolas as she tried to speak. "Ssssqqquueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It's Legolas! Ssssqqquueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm _Mary-Sue_! Ssssqqquueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Poor Legolas, he kept running, but the Fangirl was right behind him. Occaisionaly, Legolas could hear the odd "Ssssqqquueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" from Mary-Sue. Legolas ran for twenty-seven miles.

Suddenly, Legolas fell to the ground with Mary-Sue Barbie Fangirl on top of him. "Ssssqqquueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I caught Legolas! Ssssqqquueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" With lightening speed, Mary-Sue tied him to a tree in a manner that enabled him to at least move but not escape. In other words, Legolas was sitting with his back to the tree and his arms tied to the tree and his legs straight out in front of him. "Now, now, Leggy, stay here while I get some stuff." 

She smiled her most winning smile and ran off.

As soon as Mary-Sue left, Legolas started talking. "And where were you? You were supposed to save me, Brog! 

You left me in the dust! And now I'm going to be having _romance_ with a Mary-Sue who looks like Barbie!"

:: Tsk, tsk. (_Shakes head_) And I thought I was here to document this. But still, I will comply to your request and save you. Don't worry Legolas. I will be right back after I get my stuff. But do try to appreciate the fact that this Mary-Sue who looks like Barbie is here. If you try to resist, she will do something _very bad_ to you, something I don't want to think about. ::

Signing with resignation, Legolas replied, "Hope you come back soon." But suddenly, Mary-Sue Barbie Fangirl cam back and promptly sat on Legolas's legs. "Hellllooo, dear Legolas." Speechless, Legolas stared at her. Without warning, Mary-Sue untied Legolas's arms and put them around her. Legolas immediately withdrew his hands. "No, no, Legolas, you must do what I wamt." Sullenly, he put his hands around her waist, plotting on ways to get them around her throat.

At that moment, he saw a hooded figure walking towards him. For some reason, he had an idea that it was Brog. 

Winking to the figure, he quickly created an idea with his cunning mind.

Smiling huskily at Mary-Sue and spoke. "Dear Barbie, I wouldn't dream of hurting you." Mary-Sue attempted to kiss Legolas, but he vanished. In his placed was an Orc. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" Mary-Sue screamed. 

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"So, are you happy now? I rescued you."

Legolas paused. "Yeah well, I guess I am grateful. Thanks a lot."

"Well then, I'd better be going. Next time you need help, don't ask for it, I'll be there."

"Thanks again, Brog." He shook her hand and started to turn away, which led his to realize that he wasn't in Middle-Earth anymore. "Er … where are we?"

"Betelgeuse." Brog turned and vanished.

'Great, I'm stuck on an unknown planet.' Legolas thought as he turned around.

"It's not a planet, it's a star. And my name is Ford Prefect. Nice to meet you." Ford smiled in a way that made you think that he was trying to prevent choking you.


	3. In Which The End Is Here

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Author's Note: So, in our latest attempt to annoy Legolas, he's dropped off at Betelgeuse. Sorry about the lack of updating... I didn't feel like writing this, and then my computer crashed and I had to completely re-do my hard drive, which included erasing all the files on the computer, and every disk I used couldn't be used again. So...here it is again.

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Disclaimer: Yeah, anything recognizable from another place belongs to the creator, owner, author, or whatever of that thing.

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The Many Adventures of Legolas The Elf

"It's not a planet, it's a star. And my name is Ford Prefect. Nice to meet you." Ford smiled in a way that made you think that he was trying to prevent choking you.

"A star? A STAR?!? How could I be on a _STAR_? They burn millions of miles away and are extremely hot - OW! OW! OW!" Legolas yelled in pain as he suddenly started to feel the heat of the star. Meanwhile, Ford was standing calmly next to Legolas. It was amazing how he could stand it, but then of course, Ford _isn't_ an Elf, or a human for that matter.

"Fine then. I'll get a transport and take you somewhere else." He took out his Electronic Thumb and waited a few minutes. Suddenly, a completely orange ship stopped a few feet away from the two. But before Legolas could get on board, Ford stopped him.

"Do you have a towel?"

Legolas was too shocked to answer. He stared at Ford for not realizing, that _he_, the Elf with the best hair, couldn't go anywhere without the tools of perfect survival. "Of course I have a towel!!!"

Ford shrugged and got inside the ship, where they were met by Marvin the robot, you know, the guy that's always gloomy and depressed? HIM. Legolas, being very polite, said, "Hi".

"Why would you even bother to say hi to _me_? A ROBOT! I don't deserve a Hi." Marvin said, zooming off. Ford lead Legolas to the cockpit, where they saw Zaphod, Arthur Dent, and Trillian. All three of them said "Hi" before continuing on with their game of Scrabble. Ford and Legolas watched in silence. Right after Arthur put down his last letter of the word LONDON, 

There was a terrible ghastly noise.

There was a terrible ghastly silence.

  
There was a terrible ghastly noise.

Suddenly Legolas found himself underneath someone who identified himself as...

AGRAJAG.

Oh no! Poor Legolas! Imagine not knowing the pain! The dratted Agrajag!

"You! You killed me on Alpha Centauri! Poked a hole in my eye! And now! I'll have my revenge!" He said, furious.

After that, no one ever heard from Legolas again.


End file.
